How do I feel?
Emotionally; terrified, angry, sad... a little of everything. I am so angry at myself for smoking when the facts about lung cancer have been right in front of my face. I thought I'd be one of the lucky ones.

Physically; I hurt. The tumor is sitting against the nerves that run down my back and right arm. The pain meds help. It's not debilitating so I'm very lucky.

Mentally; dazed and confused... but that's normal for me.

Doctor's appointments! OMG, I can't believe how many doctors are involved in the process of treating this invader of my body.

Seriously, I'm trying to appreciate everything; the touch of my husband's hand on my back as we walk, the smell of rain, the sound of my grand-daughter's laughter. Everything has so much more meaning to it than it did before.

Employment-wise I've gone on short term disability. I'd just started my dream job when the diagnosis came in as cancer. Kinda shows you how my luck runs.

My husband. We've been married just short of 2 years, it's the second-time marriage for both of us and this time I definitely found my Mr. Right. He is strong, supportive, and he tells me we will beat this together.
I also have my 3 kids... 25, 26, and 28 years old, I guess they aren't kids anymore but they are handling this amazingly well so far.
To top it all off I have my friends, they've been coming out of the wood-work with cheerful emails, cards and flowers.
Combine the hubby, kids and friends and this is what is going right for me. I'd be lost without them.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around all that is going on. I keep thinking that someone is playing a cruel joke on me or that I'm having a terrible nightmare and will wake up to find my life as it was BC (before cancer).

Also, not going well for me is that one of my doctors told me that 30% of Pancoast tumor patients live for 5 years after treatment... and that would be opptimistic in my circumstances. This seems impossible to me, I have that new hubby I mentioned earlier that I want to grow old with, I have 3 fantastic kids and 2 step-kids that I want to watch wonderful things happen to, I have 3 beautiful young grand-daughters and I want so much to see them grow up. 5 years? Maybe? It's not enough time.

I'll get back to you on this one.

My hubby. He's my rock. I can't imagine the burden he is carrying because of me and I hope he has someone to vent to, but as for me, I can tell him anything and everything. He lets me cry and then gives me the strength to move on and face all this. I think I mentioned earlier that I'm scared sh!tless over all this - he helps me face my fears and make them tolerable.

I don't have any long term or life goals anymore. I see things as they are scheduled on the calendar; MRI, chemo, radiation, rinse and repeat. That's as far as I can go.

I am on short term disability.

I'm not working. I've never "not worked". I miss my co-workers but they are keeping in touch and letting me know they care.

Since I won't share my hubby with ya'll (lol) there's nothing I can offer at this time. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Well, treatments haven't started yet but I've been told the side effects of radiation and chemo. I never thought of myself as vain before but the knowledge that I will lose my hair has laid me low. It's so stupid how just thinking of it brings on the tears.

I try to joke about getting different colored wigs so all my hidden multiple personalities can come out, and I joke about saving money on razors, but you know what? Suddenly shaving my legs is a wonderful thing, suddenly the thought of having my eyebrows waxed is something to look forward to, suddenly I'm this vain person who doesn't want anyone to see me without hair.

I have no idea.